I do? Part III
“I can’t believe I’m going to be an auntie!” Gia squealed.
Telling my family and friends right now was in my plans. Not only was it too soon, but I hadn’t wrapped my head around it myself.
But not telling them wasn’t an option. My family and friends were at our home last month when I fainted in the kitchen. Everyone sprang into action taking care of me. Devon and my mom insisted I go to the hospital. I tried to object, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer.
I’d take 5 pregnancy tests so I already knew what they were going to tell me at the hospital. The pride in Devon’s voice and on his face was what every woman dreamed of when telling her man she was pregnant. He was so excited to be a father and picturing him holding a child made my heart melt. Then ache.
At my first OB appointment, my doctor estimated I was two months pregnant. I wanted him to be sure, to double-check and check again. Because two months meant there was a possibility that this baby wasn’t my husband’s.
“What do you want? I’m sure Devon wants a boy!”
“Doesn’t matter,” I shrugged.
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” I avoided eye contact because if I looked at her, I wouldn’t be able to lie to her.
“Uh huh, what’s wrong? Gia demanded.
On accident, my eyes met hers and without warning, I broke down. “Honey, please tell me what’s wrong!”
“I-I-I, don’t know!” I stammered, unable to get my words out.
“Ok, just breathe. It’s probably just pregnancy hormones,” my friend tried to assure me.
“No,” I shook my head as the tears continued to pour from my eyes. “I mean, I don’t know…who the father is.”
The look on Gia’s face was a combination of confusion and disgust. “Huh? What do you mean? How is this even a question?”
I put my head in my hands and took a few deep breaths. “I’ve been…I’ve been sleeping with Trevor.”
“ZAHARA!!” Gia gasped. “Trevor? Your ex Trevor? How? Why? When? Why? Why Z? WHY?”
Each one of her questions tripled my guilt. “Because…I thought I needed him.”
“FOR WHAT?” she shrieked.
I leaned back on my sofa, heavy, lost, and defeated. I felt like I was carrying the entire world in my belly. “He used to make me feel alive. He gave me fire, passion. Devon didn’t. And I thought…I thought I still needed him.”
“I’m…I don’t know what to say,” my friend admitted. I saw the disappointment in her eyes. It would be the same disappointment I had for her if I was in her shoes. But…she never told me about a man that made her feel like Trevor made me feel.
“What are you going to do?” she questioned.
That was the million-dollar question.
I had some options. I could have this baby, make my husband the happiest man in the world, and be a family. But…maybe this was a sign. Maybe this was my opportunity to be with the man my heart pined for. Maybe this wasn’t as bad as I was making it. Maybe Trevor would be just as excited as Devon and that would be all the proof I needed that Trevor, not Devon was my soulmate.
“I don’t know. I just need to lie down right now,” I lied to my friend.
“Ok. Well, just call me later.”
The distress never left her voice and I wish I never told her my secret. But with her gone, I grabbed my phone and pulled up Trevor’s name in my contact list. I tapped the icon to send a message but decided against it. I glanced at the clock and it was just after 4. Devon wouldn’t be home for another hour so I had plenty of time to make this call.
“Hello?” he answered uneasily.
Just hearing his voice reminded me of the times he made me surrender to him, even though I wore Devon’s ring and had his last name.
“Trevor…” I didn’t plan this at all. I didn’t have a speech. I didn’t know what if I needed to beat around the bush. Did I need to be direct?
As he asked if I missed him, I blurted out that I was pregnant.
“What did you say?” He spoke quietly. The sexiness of his voice dissipated.
“I said,” I began, clearing my throat, “I’m pregnant.”
Trevor paused. “Umm, congratulations?”
There was silence as we both held the phone.
“Why are you telling me? We already ended it. I didn’t need to know that.” He was annoyed.
“Because…I don’t know who…you might be the fa-“
“Nah. I’m not.” He cut me off as if me saying it out loud would make it a reality.
“You could be.” My voice held hope and I prayed his silence was him registering the possibility I was carrying his child.
“Zahara, you…we can’t…I can’t…” Trevor stumbled over his words. “Why are you telling me this?”
His reaction was nothing like Devon’s. Devon’s happiness couldn’t be contained. He’d already opened a new savings account and moved money. He was looking at bigger houses. He floated names. He was ecstatic to be a father. Trevor was not.
“I’d thought you’d want to know. And…”
“And you thought you could leave your husband? For me?” Trevor’s words were cold and unbothered. I remained quiet, regretting my hope and this phone call.
“Look,” he sighed out his frustration. “When we're together, it was cool, but we wanted different things. You wanted the house in the burbs with the kids. You knew I didn’t want that. So you married someone who would give you what you wanted. My advice to you is to focus on your marriage and make that work. That’s not the life I want.”
Trevor disconnected the call and I just sat on my sofa, lost.
It’s not like I didn’t know Trevor preferred a life where he could come and go as he pleased. But that didn’t prevent him from sleeping with me. He took no precautions to prevent the situation I found myself in.
My mind was doing mental acrobatics to understand my reality. Trevor didn’t want me. Even though there was a possibility I was carrying his child, he didn’t want me or the baby. I was so sure this was my opportunity to get everything I wanted…passion, love, romance, and a family.
Trevor wanted none of those things from me.
He slept with me because I let him. There was no emotional attachment for him. I was there, available. I wanted there to be more. I wanted…the life I already had.
I heard Devon’s key turn in the door. I heard his footsteps getting closer. I heard the joy in his voice when he called out for me. I saw the beam of his smile and the calla lilies in his hand.
“Hey beautiful? How was your day?”
I forced myself to sit up. Accepted the flowers, grinned, and kissed him.
Like Trevor said, I was just going to have to make this work.
“I’m great, now that you’re home.”