Roster Part I

Part 1

CRASH!

“YO NAOMI! WHAT THE FUCK?”

Tez’s voice went up about five octaves as he dodged my anger that came out in the form of me chunking the vase of beautiful pink roses I bought myself, pretending they were from him. I hurled the vase in his direction, sending glass, water, and flowers flying all over our apartment. The mess was befitting because that’s what our relationship was now…a hot damn mess.

“I’LL TELL YOU WHAT THE FUCK, TEZ! YOU’RE A FUICKING LIAR, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK!” I screamed.

He waved me off and started towards the door again. “You’re tripping! I ain’t lied about shit! Let me guess…Kita done filled your head with some bullshit. I’ve told you about listening to your single friends. I ain’t got time for that insecure shit!”

“Kita ain’t tell me shit, your bitch did!” I winced at him calling me insecure because if I was insecure, he made me this way. I opened my phone to the screenshots I already had cued up. I even created an album just for these messages.

“Nah, baby I told you we ain’t even together no mo’. We’re practically roommates. She asked if she could stay til the end of the month and you know I ain’t no grimy nigga so yeah, she’s still here.”

Tez stared at me, the shock of hearing his words out loud seemed to stun him.

“Man, she don’t cook, clean, nothing. I do everything around here. But I’m sick of her freeloading ass.”

“Do I need to continue?” I questioned. Reading his lies for the umpteenth time still made my blood boil. The audacity of him to tell these lies knowing damn well he couldn’t boil water and wouldn’t know a mop if it hit him in the head.

“Oh, here’s my personal favorite.” I scrolled to get to the screenshot that brought tears to my eyes.

“You think a nigga like me would take a hoe like her serious? Come on, I thought you knew me better than that, baby! What I look like dealing with a fat bitch?”

My tears returned, just like they did when those words reached my heart the first time. Whoever said sticks and stone may break bones, but words will never hurt was a muthafuckin’ lie. Reading those messages hurt me worse than any physical hurt I ever experienced.

“Yo, Naomi, baby, listen. I just-“

“NO!” I shouted, not caring if our neighbors had their popcorn out listening to our argument. “I am not your baby; I’m a fat bitch remember? Even if you didn’t mean it, you were comfortable with telling lies to get some ass. And if you want her, then go be with her. You don’t have to explain shit to me.”

“Nah, I ain’t going out like that. You need to listen. It’s not what you think it is!”

I cackled loudly even though the situation wasn’t funny by any stretch of the imagination. I wanted to hear him try to explain this away. “What was it then?”

“It was just-it’s…she was just…it’s…” Tez stumbled over his words, struggling to come up with something that sounded halfway believable. He couldn’t feed me bullshit this time. “Alright look, I’m gonna be honest with you. She ain’t mean shit to me. I promise. She was just…there. You know I was going through a lot and-“

“Baby,” I interrupted, unable to stomach the sound of his voice selling me another lie. “I don’t know why a nigga ain’t wifed you up yet, but I’m trying to be the nigga to put a rock on your hand.”

I closed out my screenshot album and slid my phone into my back pocket. That was the message that took me from tears to rage.

 Three, almost four years of my life were wasted on Vontez Simmons. In that time, he shot down every single conversation about marriage I started. He gave me all the bullshit lines…I’m not ready…what’s wrong with our life now…just give me time to get my money right…but this chick? This chick he’d been fucking for the past few months, he was ready to propose to her?

I was the one holding him down when he was in between jobs, supported his hustles until he finished the welding program at Albany Tech, and started making more money than he ever has. It was me who washed his clothes, cooked damn near every night, sexed him even when I didn’t feel like it, doing any and everything he wanted but she was the one he wanted to wife?

“You know…as much as I want to blame you, this shit is all on me,” I surmised. Tez’s eyes rose to meet mine. I saw a glimmer of hope that I was going to let this go and take him back like I’d done every time before. “You showed me you weren’t shit and I believed that if I just loved you enough, you’d see you didn’t need anyone but me. It’s my fault for taking you back. But I’m done with all that.”

“Nay, baby, wait, let me just-“

Hearing him call me baby incensed me. I looked around for something to throw and my eyes landed on a coffee mug, my favorite. I picked it up and hurled it in his direction. I missed with the vase, but the cup hit him in the chest before crashing on the floor. He yelped, not from pain, but from surprise. One of our inside jokes was that I couldn’t throw to save my life and had this been any other situation, we probably would have laughed that I actually hit what I was aiming for.

“I’m gonna let you calm down 'cause you ain’t gonna keep throwing shit at me!”

Tez made a beeline for the door, slamming it on his way out. With him gone, I was both relieved and hurt. I felt lighter but confused. I wanted him to stay gone, but I wanted him to come back and fight for me.

Absently, I dropped down on the sofa, feeling like I weighed a million pounds. And apparently, Tez thought that’s how much I weighed when he called me a fat bitch. I wasn’t the smallest woman in the world; I don’t think I ever wore a size two. But Tez said he loved my curves. Some days I felt like I needed to lose weight, but my man assured me all my weight was in the right places. Before I found out what he was saying about me, I didn’t think he cared that all of my clothes came from the plus section.

Tez always complimented me on the way my jeans fit, the way my ass swayed in a sundress, the way my thighs looked in a pair of shorts. I was battling with which Tez I was supposed to believe: the one who said he loved me or the one who fat-shamed me to get some ass.

I shook my head because it wasn’t even a question. There was no way this man loved me. I turned down plenty of advances from men and a few women, too. I had my head on straight, working as an assistant at a marketing consulting firm while going to school for business. I didn’t run the streets, only going out for special occasions. I made sure our house stayed clean, I made sure he ate good, tried to make his life easier. I had a lot of good, no great qualities, none of which made Tez want to be with me or marry me. At this point, I doubted if the man ever loved me, much less liked me.

After everything I’ve done for him, he gave me his ass to kiss.

 My tears were threatening to return and I was tired of crying over Tez. My best friend Kita was the only person who could help me navigate this hurt.

Before Tez, there was Kita. We met at Dillard’s where we both worked until she finished school and left me and retail behind. I missed working with my friend, but I was grateful my current boss took a chance on me, getting me out of the retail rut before I finished college. Making time for each other wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but we made it work.

“Hello?” she answered coolly.

“Well…Tez and I are done,” I mumbled.

There was silence on her end and I thought the call dropped. Finally, she asked what happened.

I launched into my story, telling her all the details and reading the messages from the chick he was cheating on me with. I honestly didn’t need my phone to read the messages. I read them so much, I pretty much had them memorized.

“How did you get the messages?” Kita asked nonchalantly.

“I noticed she liked almost everything he posted so I went to her page, and they seemed a little too friendly. So, I inboxed her and we chatted. She sent me the messages because Tez was telling her we weren’t together. She thought he was single.”

“Oh ok. What are you going to do?”

This time, there was no mistaking that she was not as emotionally invested in my drama. I realized we were a little too old to have a Jazmine Sullivan ‘bust the windows out your car’ moment, but I expected her to be a little more upset.

“It’s already been done. He’s gone.”

“He’s been gone before,” Kita countered.

I frowned at her remark. “Did you hear the messages I read? You think I’d take him back after that?”

Kita exhaled heavily. “You took him back when you thought he had a baby on the way. You took him back when he got arrested for domestic violence at another woman’s house. You took him back when you caught a woman coming out of your house. So yes, there’s a real possibility you’d take him back.”

“Well damn, tell me how you really feel,” I winced, not needing a reminder of all the drama of my relationship. In all the years we’d been friends, Kita has always had my back, she’s nursed me through all the hurt Tez inflicted on me. Her reaction today was different.

“Listen, Nay,” Kita sighed. “I don’t know what you expect from me. The only time you want to talk is when you are talking about Tez’s no-good ass. You let him walk all over you and I am tired, TIRED of having to listen to how he does you wrong. I’m tired of carrying you emotionally only for you to run back to him. This friendship is one-sided; you expect me to be the burden bearer for your toxic relationship and I’m tired of it.”

The more she talked, the more aggravated I became. Whatever was wrong with her must have been major, but she didn’t have to take it out on me. “Kita, you know that’s not true!”

“Oh really? When’s the last time we talked, just chit-chatted about work, clothes, Real Housewives…anything that didn’t have anything to do with Tez? When was the last time we hung out? My mama has been in and out of the hospital for weeks. I have been running off fumes and you’ve been nowhere to be found.”

“Wait, what? What’s going on with your mama?” Kita and her family took me in and her mama was the type of woman I imagined my mama would have been had my daddy not been a belligerent drunk, killing her then himself when I was six.

“Had you answered the phone when I called you, you’d know,” Kita snapped.

I sat on the phone with no excuses, no comeback, no words. I ran through my memories, trying to remember the last time I actually talked to Kita.  Or the last time we hung out. I remembered talking to her about a month ago. I was appalled that I went that long without communicating with her. I was so wrapped up in Tez that I neglected my friend, my only friend, in her time of need. I felt like shit.

“I’m not tripping, you have your priorities and I see where I stand in this friendship. I am sorry you are going through this, but I won’t subject myself to being there for you emotionally when you can’t be there for me. Be well.”

Before I could say anything, not that I had anything I could say, Kita ended the call. I sat in my apartment staring off into nothing. I was single and best friendless; this was not the type of day I anticipated having when I woke up this morning.

I threw my phone on the sofa, leaning my head back on the cushions. I closed my eyes and tried to get my thoughts together, but there was too much happening in my head. Tez cheated on me for the umpteenth time, and Kita said I neglected her as a friend.

While I was heavy from the situation with Tez, I felt worse because of what I did to Kita. Friendships have always been important to me, but when things were good with Tez, I neglected everyone else. Not to mention his history of cheating, I needed to spend all my free time with him. But in trying to be everything to a man who treated me like nothing, I alienated the woman who loved me like a sister.

“UUUGGGHHHH!” I yelled, wiping angry tears from my eyes. Kita was an amazing friend, giving the best advice, giving just because gifts, making me laugh, motivating me when school stressed me out, and being there for me when I had moments of missing my mama. I was the youngest of four; I had two sisters and a brother. After the situation with our parents, our family was in turmoil. There wasn’t a custody fight…no one wanted to take on four more kids so we were all raised by different family members on both sides who did little to maintain our sibling bond. Since I didn’t grow up with my siblings, I wasn’t close to them. Kita was more of a sister to me than my real sisters and I pushed her to the side for Tez.

Trying to be the woman he needed, trying to prove to him I could and would be a submissive wife, praying all my waiting and struggling would result in a ring left me single and embarrassed with no best friend. Just one more reason to say ‘Fuck Tez’.

My thoughts were pulling me down into a shame spiral and I didn’t want to be in that head space. Being in our apartment was stressing me out. We had some good times here, but the bad is what stood out the most. There was not a single place in our home that didn’t remind me of a time he hurt me and treated me like I wasn’t shit. I needed to leave. Not just for a minute, but for good.

I jumped up, rushing to our bedroom, stopping at the second bedroom that moonlighted as storage to get my suitcases. I was normally a neat and organized packer, but between my tears and my anger, I was just throwing my things in. When I ran out of space in my luggage, I got Tez’s suitcases. Technically, they were mine because I bought them.

I started taking things out to my car, lining the luggage in the trunk and some in the backseat. As much as I loved the art, the sofa, and my blender, I left all of that. I only took my necessities. I struggled to get my key off the key ring because I had no fingernails and left it on the counter. I locked the door and stepped outside. Quickly, I closed the door before I could change my mind and convince myself I could make this work.

 My fear of being alone has kept me in this relationship longer than I needed to be and it was time I got over that fear. Honestly, I had no choice; as long as I took Tez back, he would keep disrespecting me and treating me like an option. I may have been his fool for years, but it was never too late to make a better, different choice.

 I didn’t pull off right away. I had a moment of doubt, a voice telling me this was all I was good for, that I didn’t deserve my fairytale ending. I moved with my aunt Shug, my mama’s sister in Albany which was almost a culture shock from living in Dawson my whole life. They were really close and she did not mince words when talking about my dad. And because I was the spitting image of him, I think she resented me. As an adult, relationships and friendships became my comfort. I needed someone to prove they loved me because, after the death of my parents, it felt like I was tolerated, not loved. I held on to Tez because even though he didn’t show me, he told me he loved me and for a while, that was enough. But at my big age of 27, I finally realized love was an action verb and not just words.

 Finally, I backed out of my parking space, leaving my old life with Tez behind. I had no idea where I was heading, but my car was on autopilot leaving out of Albany. I got on Highway 19 and drove north. The further I got from Albany, the harder it got for me to breathe. I was too far to turn around and go back so I pulled off the first exit I came to, Googling the closest hotel I had rewards points I could redeem. The Sleep Inn in McDonough was about 30 minutes away. I made the reservation, plugged the address into my GPS, and got back on the road.  

I got my bag of toiletries and fished some pajamas and clothes out of my luggage. I was emotionally drained and I should have taken a shower and climbed into bed, but I was battling with dealing with my emotions the way I usually did: With food.

Judging by the women in my family, some of my weight was hereditary. But the other reason I was considered obese was that I was an emotional eater. When Tez pissed me off, I ate. When I went down a rabbit hole of thinking about my family, I ate. When my oldest sister Natalie pissed me off with her holier-than-thou attitude, I ate. When I needed to celebrate, I ate. When I completed a tough assignment, I ate. When had a good day at work, I ate. Happy, sad, indifferent…it didn’t matter. Food was my coping mechanism of choice. I fought with myself for about 10 minutes but my willpower faded. This situation deserved the meal I was trying to talk myself out of.  

While dining on my All-Star breakfast with cheese grits, bacon, and cheese eggs scrambled soft at the Waffle House, I was engrossed in creating a game plan. As I ate, I scrolled Indeed, seeing a few jobs that piqued my interest. I thought about the last time I updated my resume and I realized it was two jobs before my current. I closed out Indeed and went to my notes app to start a list of things I needed to do. While updating my resume was pressing, I also needed to secure somewhere to live. My brother Nate lived up this way and it was a good thing for me that he was the one sibling that I talked to so it wouldn’t be so awkward when I asked if I could live with him.

My planning was interrupted by Tez calling. Just the sight of seeing the name Bae lighting up my phone pissed me off. The audacity of him calling like we had something to talk about.

I let the phone ring and he called right back. I was going to ignore that call too, but curiosity won me over. I wanted to hear how he was going to try to get me back.

“Yo, where you at, Nay?”

“Why?”

“Cause where the fuck is all your shit at?” Tez spat.

I rolled my eyes. Rather than stay gone for the night, he came back to our apartment, expecting me to be there. I bet it surprised the hell out of him that me and my stuff were gone.

“With me.”

“Ahight, don’t play. Where the hell are you?”

I sighed and retrieved my Air Pods from their case on my key chain. I popped one in so I could finish eating. “It doesn’t matter. You wanted to be single, go fuck the bitch you were messaging and leave me alone.”

“Man, you tripping!” Tez whined. “Just tell me where you at so we can talk.”

I ate some of my grits, taking my time answering him. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Tez was quiet on the phone, and I imagined he was trying to come up with something, anything he could say to me to change my mind. He wasn’t used to having to put in effort with me.

“Ahight, look,” he began, sighing deeply. “I know I fucked up. I can admit that. But…I was just talking shit. That’s it. It ain’t nothing going on with me and her.”

“I don’t care. You said what you said.”

“Yo, Nay, don’t do this shit, man. You know I love you, girl. You wanna get married? Ok, we can do that.”

Even though I didn’t mean to, I snorted out a laugh. It wasn’t funny, but it was comical that after almost four years, his marriage proposal was on the heels of me finding out he talked about me like a dog to another woman.  

“Boy, stop playing with me! You did me dirty and I allowed that shit, but I’m done with all that. Keep that weak-ass apology. Everything in the apartment that I didn’t take is yours to keep because I won’t be back. Ain’t no reason for you to call me because I’m off this and I’m off you.”

I disconnected the call and put my phone down on the table. I closed my eyes, not knowing where I got the strength to say what I said. I never thought I’d see the day I’d be done with Tez, but here I was.

“Now that’s how you tell a no-good man off!” My server announced, grinning at me. I forgot I was in a public space and had a little audience. “You gotta let these men know what you will and won’t stand for. Cause if not, they will run hella game on you.”

“I don’t know what that man did,” the male cook chimed in, “but it’s his loss. If you left everything in the house, his ass fucked up real bad. And he don’t need a second chance.”

At the table next to me, two women who looked a little older than me nodded in agreement. “Don’t let these dusty-ass men play in your face, sis. Go live your best life. The best revenge is glowing up and showing his ugly ass what he missed out on.”

“For real, hon,” her friend added. “Take some time to work through the hurt. Then get on your shit. Don’t let anyone take you that low again!”

I teared up at the people who didn’t know me at all but were giving me advice on how to maneuver this hurt from Tez. Who would have thought the Waffle House on Highway 155 in McDonough would come through with the inspirational message I needed to hear to start my healing journey?

While finishing my breakfast, I blocked Tez on every app he could access me on including Cash App. I was not in a position to turn down any money, but I refused to let Tez have any kind of access to me.   

The two women in the next booth paid for my meal, sending me on my way to begin my new Tez-free life. Financially, I’d be good for like a month with no income coming in if my brother let me stay with him. But I needed to find a job quick, fast, and in a hurry.

I was hurting right now, but someday, this moment wouldn’t hold the pain I felt today. I came to the conclusion that who I was with Tez was dead and gone. I’d never be that gullible, that foolish, or that naïve again. I would not lose myself or a friend because of a man again. The hurt that he inflicted on me was going to be my motivator.

Never would I be played like that again.