Growing Pains-Full Story
As I walked backed to my dorm room, I crossed my arms over my breasts trying to hide the fact that I was still in the clothes I wore last night. Logically, I knew I couldn’t because my booty shorts and half shirt barely covered me. Last night, I walked into the Sandtrap with confidence. This morning, I was taking the dreaded walk of shame.
This was happening way too often.
It was early Saturday morning and most people on campus were still in bed so I could slip into the residence hall without drawing too much attention to myself. Thankfully my roommates were still sleep and I could take a shower without having to answer too many questions.
In the bathroom, I washed the night off of me. The weed. The alcohol. The sweat. The hands. The sex. I wanted to blame last night on the loud and vodka but the truth of the matter was these were some of the only moments I felt normal. When I was high and drinking, my life made much more sense. When I laid with some guy, I felt needed and desired.
I tried to explain to Anissa, one of my suite mates, why I did this. She just didn’t get it. My other suite mate Jalia did; we were similar which is why we got a long so well. But my behavior left Anissa wondering why I had to party, smoke, drink and sleep with different guys. Since beginning college at Albany State last semester, we all became fast friends. Our other suite mate April had friends in another dorm so we rarely saw her.
“Lex, you’re beautiful. You make the best grades without having to study. You were an honor graduate. You have the best clothes, your hair is always fly, your car is the envy of everyone on campus…why do you do this stuff?” Anissa asked me one night after I threw up for thirty minutes after clubbing.
“Cause,” I began in between rinsing my mouth out. “I like it. It’s fun. I didn’t get to do too much of this back home.”
Anissa rolled her eyes and handed me tissue to wipe my mouth. I’m sure she didn’t believe me because I didn’t even believe myself. Truth was I could do this stuff at home. Hell, I used to smoke with my mama sometimes. She didn’t know I that I drank. If she did, she never said anything. My mama was only 35 and she still wanted to be young. She treated me like her friend or little sister as opposed to her daughter. Unless people knew me and my mama, they couldn’t believe my mama had a kid my age.
I was offered a scholarship to Georgia Southwestern but I couldn’t stay in Americus with my mama. I wanted to be somewhere else. I chose Albany State because I wanted to attend an HBCU and Albany was far enough away from home but close enough at the same time.
After I mentally washed away the night, I emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel and headed to my room. I lotioned my skin and threw on some cheerleading shorts and a tank and climbed into bed. Before I could close my eyes, Lia burst into my room.
“Bitch! You left me! Where the hell did you go?” Lia exclaimed while plopping down on my bed.
Even though I didn’t think anything was funny, I laughed. I didn’t want Lia to know that emotionally, I felt like crap. “Girl, I was tired. I just got here. You stayed with Lo last night?”
“Yep! Him and his roommate,” she announced proudly.
“Seriously? You’re such a hoe!”
“You’re one to talk! How many niggas came through DJ’s room last night?”
I cut my eyes at her and smirked. “Bitch, bye! You know I ain’t busting it down for anyone but DJ.”
Lia burst out laughing. “Ok. Tell that to someone that will believe you cause you know I don’t. I’ll hear bout it! Anyway…what are you doing today? Wanna go to the mall?”
“Maybe after I get some sleep. I’ll let you know.”
“Cool. Let me get some sleep, too. I had a busy night!” Lia commented with a wink.
I laughed but deep down I was embarrassed. I really could ‘t remember if I slept with anyone other than DJ. I was really feeling him but if slept with one of his friends, I’m quite positive there would be nothing else between us. There were a few other dudes I could sleep with if DJ wasn’t available but I really liked him. I just knew the feeling wasn’t mutual.
As I thought about where my life was right now, tears came to my eyes. I was tired of sleeping with different men trying to feel like I belonged somewhere but if men didn’t desire me sexually, what else was there? After I started having sex when I was 15, my mama taught me there was nothing wrong with having sex so long as I used protection. Now that I was 19 and I’d had my fair share of sex partners, sex wasn’t that big of a deal anymore.
I wiped my eyes and looked around my room for the blunt I had hidden the other day. I would have to go to my car to smoke it. The windows were tinted in my black on black 2017 Ford Mustang so I could get away with getting high. I found my blunt but before I could leave the room, my phone chimed with a text. I was surprised it was from DJ.
DJ: What’s up, girl. You ran out of here quick. When are you coming back for round 2?
As much as I hated the feeling I got afterwards, the attention men gave me was almost as strong as the loud I smoked. I got high off men finding my thick thighs and stripper ass sexy. Attention was the most powerful drug I allowed in my body. Absently, I sent my reply.
Me: What’s up, boo. Whenever you want me…just let me know
DJ: That’s what’s up, ma. I’ll be chilling at a party off campus. You gonna come thru?
Me: Of course. Hit me up when you’re ready for me
I guess I was wrong about things being over with DJ. Hopefully after last night, he realized that I’d do anything he wanted and that would make him see me differently. I put my blunt away, choosing to save it. I got back in the bed and scrolled through my call log looking for my mama’s number. I didn’t want to talk to her but I needed a couple of dollars to go find an outfit for tonight.
“How much do you need, baby?” I asked my daughter. I knew she had money because I sent her money weekly as did her daddy. But her spoiled ass hated spending her own money. I couldn’t really complain about the spoiled brat we created because I always taught her to save her money and spend someone else’s. This logic had my savings account looking sweet while my boyfriend Ervan spent money on me left and right.
“$50. I saw some jeans I liked in Dillard’s,” my daughter replied without pause.
I put her on speaker while I went to my cash app to send her the money. I went ahead and sent her $100. “How are your classes, Lex?”
“Good, mama. I’ll probably end up with a 3.9 this semester. My English professor isn’t too fond of my writing. I’m sure I’ll get a B in there.”
“A B?” I repeated. “Oh hell no. Who’s your professor? I’m about to light that ass up. A damn B? She must don’t know who she’s fucking with.”
There were three things I didn’t play about: my kid, my money and my man. This professor had another thing coming if she thought she was going to give my kid a B. More than likely she was just jealous of Lex. That wouldn’t be anything new. Before she graduated high school, I had to stay at the school because teachers thought because she was beautiful she was a dummy. After I straightened their asses out, I had no more issues with them playing with her grades.
“No, mama, I got it,” Lex replied. “I have a meeting with her Tuesday.”
“Call me on speaker so I can hear what she says. I don’t have time for foolishness when it comes to your grades.”
“Mama, I got it!” Lex argued. She sounded irritated and I don’t know why she got an attitude. She knew better than to tell me that kind of shit because I was going to make it right.
I smacked my lips. “Ok, Alexis. But call me if she gets buck with you. I sent you the money but I think me and King are going to ride down there today. We’ll take you to lunch.”
“What’s he doing anyway?”
“He’s eating cereal and watching TV. He’s one of the smartest kids in his class, Lex! Didn’t you get the pictures I sent you of his work?”